Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease and line your cake pans with parchment like the cake deserves respect.
In a large bowl, sift flour, cocoa, espresso powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.
In another bowl, whisk eggs, oil, milk, coffee, and vanilla until combined—don’t overthink it, just mix.
Add wet ingredients to dry ones. Mix until you get a smooth, moody batter.
Divide the batter between pans. Bake for 28–30 minutes or until toothpick comes out slightly smug.
While cakes cool, simmer water, sugar, and espresso powder for syrup. Let it chill once thickened slightly.
For frosting, beat butter until light. Add sugar in batches, then stir in chocolate, coffee, vanilla, and salt.
Once cakes are cool, brush each layer with syrup like you’re giving them a caffeine facial.
Frost between layers and around the cake. Smooth it like you care about presentation.
Chill for 20 minutes before serving—good luck waiting.